Tumblr Thread: Sullen Caffeine Gremlin Inspires Tale Of Cosmic Horror

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Eric Lund
Jan 23, 2022 12:00 PM EST

Being a barista has to be weird. You have the rare experience of seeing people before their first coffee of the day, which is to say, you see them when they're at their worst. And naturally, when you have to serve people who are still trying to deal with the fact that they currently have to reside in reality for the next 16-ish hours, the order get weird. These anecdotes gave birth to a more moody re-imagining of a particularly heavy coffee order. For more like this, here's alaughable Tumblr exchange that got turned into a comedic Shakespearean aside.

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  • 01
    Font - m4ge-deactivated20210331 i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream avantgaye Follow you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said "i have 5 kids" witchcraft-with-space
    via WhatIsUpWithThat05
  • 02
    Font - anais-ninja-blog Follow new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks A katjohnadams Follow Actual conversation I had at register: "Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can I get you, today?" "How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?" "I- I'm sorry?" "A venti cup. How much to fill it with Espresso?" "Oh. uh. Well, it'd be I suppose... I only have a button for a Quad. I don't have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single... drink." "Price is the furthest thing from my mind ri
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  • 03
    Font - *deep breath of fear* "It'd be a quad with," *clears throat* "uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma'am, I should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them-" "Taste means nothing to me." At this point I am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being.
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  • 04
    Font - "Oh. Well, okay." I put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. "We can certainly get that for you! The price will be She begins to pay, I s..t thee not, with golden Sacajawea dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street, and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, I am sure of it. "Do you still have the 'Add Energy' packets?" My heart began
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  • 05
    Font - "How many can I add?" Futile though it is, at least I know the rote response to this. "For health reasons, we won't add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually." "One then." Ialter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. I write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was ... not something to be spoken al
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  • 06
    Font - My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Mastrena's of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring. The barista was damn near shaking. This woman's gaze felt like the fires of the sun. Finally, the shots are pulled, the cup is filled, and the hand off takes place. Our visiting Incompre
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  • 07
    Font - Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and I was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left, and we knew nothing more of her after that. When I talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about "The Company" as if we'd never left, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when I share this story, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus, "Yeah, I had one like that."
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customer service horror caffeine wtf customers lol coffee order
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